If your partner is experiencing incontinence, you might suddenly feel like you are in uncharted territory. Incontinence is both a physical condition and a lifestyle change.
Intellectually, we understand that incontinence is a medical condition outside of our control. Emotionally, however, it’s a different story. Losing the ability to fully control our bladder and bowels – a skill gained in early childhood – can bring with it intense feelings of shame, embarrassment, anger and denial. For those in a partnership, incontinence also brings fear of loss of sexual attraction, and sometimes fear of diminished affection.
Neither you nor your partner should feel embarrassed about this common human condition. Remember that it is not your fault. Incontinence is a condition with underlying causes that are often treatable – and sometimes curable. It’s important for your partner to speak with their doctor to uncover the underlying cause(s) and identify a path forward for treatment and management.
In this article you will find tips on:
- Having “the talk” with your partner about incontinence
- The importance of speaking with your partner’s doctor about the issue
- Foods, drinks and medication that can worsen incontinence
- Different products for management of incontinence
- The importance of skincare with incontinence
- Strengthening your pelvic floor
- Tips on cleaning up after an accident
- The connection between incontinence and falls
The Talk
At some point in our lives, most of us have had – or have witnessed – a sensitive incontinence-related experience. It’s not surprising that a partner with incontinence may try to hide or deny bathroom accidents. To ease the conversation with this delicate topic, here are some helpful tips:
Be empathetic and reassuring
Reassure them that an enormous number of people go through this. Incontinence is extremely common! According to the National Library of Medicine, more than 60% of all adult women in the United States report having some form of incontinence, and up to 34% of men report having some degree of incontinence. Considering that incontinence is an underreported condition, the true numbers are likely higher.
Offer to help your partner speak with their doctor and explore management solutions and treatment options. Reassure them that incontinence management technology is constantly improving, and liners and disposable underwear are available in a soft, cloth-like material, so only the two of you will know the difference. Explain that wearing protective products can help your partner feel more confident in case of an accident.
Use some light humor
Incontinence is a common problem, so why not laugh about it a bit? By speaking about it lightly and openly, you can help maintain your partner’s dignity and everyone will be more comfortable.
Call in help if needed
If you have tried to talk casually with your partner, but they still seem closed off, try bringing someone else in to help. Your partner may be hiding a deep-rooted fear of loss of attraction, and they may struggle to have this conversation with you. Sometimes a close, trusted friend or doctor can help. Some men may also feel more comfortable talking with another man about this topic. You can find important information on helping men address incontinence in this Huffington Post article.
Say it again: You’re not alone!
It is always good to reassure your partner that they are not alone in this; people of all ages experience incontinence challenges. Women often experience mild incontinence following pregnancy (even Kate Winslet!), and men who have had prostate surgery will frequently have these issues as well. If you have a personal story to share with your partner, go for it. You can point out the huge quantity of incontinence products available online as an example of how many people are using them. Ask your partner if they have ever noticed someone wearing adult briefs or pads. Probably not, so why would someone else notice theirs?
Choose the right words
What’s in a word? With incontinence, the words you use can preserve a sense of dignity. The word “diaper” brings associations with childhood; it can trigger fear of infantilization and loss of control. Using the words “briefs”, “disposable underwear”, “liners”, “shields”, or “throw-away underwear” can make the conversation much more relaxed.
Plant some samples
Make it easy to choose protective liners and underwear by planting them in convenient areas. Fold some cloth-like disposable underwear and leave them in an underwear drawer, and/or in the bathroom. Place a discreet trash can with a lid in the restroom for disposal.
Incontinence Solutions
Once you’ve had the talk and you are ready to address incontinence as a team, here are some solutions:
First: Speak to the doctor
Incontinence is often underreported out of embarrassment or shame. However, incontinence may be caused by an underlying condition that can be managed or cured, and your partner’s incontinence may be temporary! This is why it is critically important to speak with a physician. A doctor will help diagnose why your partner is having this issue and can suggest treatment options. Conditions that might cause incontinence include urinary tract infections, constipation, enlarged prostate, menopause, physical urinary obstructions, and a range of neurological disorders and diseases such as diabetes, multiple sclerosis, Parkinson’s, a stroke, or even a brain tumor.
Strengthening the pelvic floor
Kegel exercises strengthen the muscles called “the pelvic floor.” Your pelvic floor supports your bladder, uterus, and bowel (large intestine). A strong pelvic floor can help individuals who have problems with urine leakage or bowel control.
Kegel exercises can be done any time you or your partner are sitting or lying down, including at stop lights while driving, during your favorite TV shows, or when you first wake up in the morning. Since all exercise is most beneficial when practiced consistently, choose a time and location when you and your partner can consistently remember to practice.
The biggest challenge is identifying the right muscles to exercise. Here are a few techniques:
Techniques for Women (and/or those with female genitalia):
- Pretend you are trying to avoid passing gas.
- Pretend to tighten your vagina around a tampon.
Techniques for Men (and/or those with male genitalia):
- Pretend you are trying to avoid passing gas.
- While urinating, try to stop your urine stream.
When you’ve isolated the correct muscles, you’ll feel the contraction inside your body toward the back of the pelvic area, rather than toward the front of the pelvis.
Remember, Kegel exercises are for both women and men!
How to do Kegel Exercises Step-by-Step
- Choose your position: Sit or lay down in a comfortable position, relax your body, and isolate your pelvic floor using one of the techniques above.
- Contract, relax, repeat:
- Contract your pelvic floor muscles for three to five seconds. As you become more skilled at Kegels, you can extend this time.
- Relax for three to five seconds. If you are contracting for longer stretches, rest for longer stretches as well.
- Repeat the contract/relax cycle ten times.
- Build your strength. Kegels are a group of muscles that will strengthen as you practice. Your goal is to increase the length of contractions and build your pelvic floor. Aim to slowly increase to ten-second contractions and relaxations. You can also vary the pace, such as short, two-to-three second pulses combined with longer holds.
- Be consistent. Set yourself a goal of completing 30 to 40 Kegels every day. You can complete them all at once or spread them throughout the day. Since these are discreet exercises that can be practiced anywhere, try finding reminders that work for you: sitting at a stoplight, filling your coffee cup, turning on the news. Doing them regularly will help build a strong pelvic floor, and a strong pelvic floor has no negatives – only positives!
Incontinence product options
Once your partner has discussed their incontinence with their doctor, the doctor should set a treatment plan. Sometimes the doctor will recommend incontinence products. There are a variety of protective disposable products to choose from:
Disposable undergarments
Liners, pads, and shields can be used for light to moderate leaks. For full accidents, a disposable adult brief or pull up will provide better protection.
Mattress and chair protection
“Chux” or “bed pads” are disposable fabric squares that can be placed on the bed, on chairs, in cars, or anywhere else you need to protect surfaces from leaks.
Washable waterproof mattress protectors are large sheets that cover the mattress. Mattress protectors and bedpads can be placed under the bed sheets for comfort. If soiled, the sheets and mattress protector can be washed with your next load of laundry.
Skin protection
Skin care is important, particularly among older adults and young children with any degree of incontinence. Body waste left on the skin for extended periods of time can cause irritation, skin breakdown, and urinary tract infections. Children’s skin and the skin of older adults are more vulnerable to irritation and damage for several reasons. Children’s skin is thinner and more delicate than adult skin, and it is more sensitive to irritation and inflammation. The skin of older adults is more fragile and less able to withstand normal wear and tear. This is due to natural skin changes from age, including decreased collagen and elastin, decreased sebaceous gland activity, and the thinning of blood vessels.
If you have a partner with incontinence, remember the three steps of skin preservation: cleanse, moisturize, and protect. Use a pH-balanced cleanser, a vitamin-packed moisturizer, and for those with limited mobility or frequent exposure, applying a barrier cream can help as well. The barrier cream acts like a barrier between the skin and the environment around it, preventing the breakdown of sensitive skin. Excess moisture and humidity can also speed up skin breakdown, so make sure your partner is changing their products regularly to help keep their skin downtown dry and clean.
Fluid intake, Diet and Medications
Your diet can have a substantial impact on frequency of urination. Although there is no special diet to cure incontinence, certain foods and beverages may contribute to bladder leakage. Their effect on the bladder is not always understood, but eliminating one or all the irritants below might help improve bladder control.
Common bladder irritants include:
- Milk or milk products
- Tomatoes or tomato-based products
- Citrus juice & fruits
- Highly spiced foods
- Chocolate
- Sugar
- Honey
- Corn syrup
- Artificial sweeteners
- Alcoholic beverages
- Carbonated beverages (with or without caffeine)
- Coffee or tea (even decaffeinated)
- Medicines that contain caffeine
Sometimes, people with incontinence try to reduce the amount of liquids they drink in the hope that they will urinate less. This can create highly concentrated, irritating urine which can have the opposite effect: prompting a person to go to the bathroom more often. Urinating less frequently also encourages the growth of bacteria, which can lead to infections.
Remember that water is essential for a wide range of body functions, including temperature regulation, digestion, absorption, circulatory functions (your blood) and excretory functions (your waste). Water is also required for the transport of nutrients and waste within our bodies, to make saliva, and to cushion joints.
Some medications will also increase the need to urinate, including:
- Diuretics: commonly prescribed to treat high blood pressure, heart failure and kidney problems. A list of common diuretics includes Aldactone (spironolactone), Hydrochlorothiazide (HCTZ), Thalitone (chlorthalidone), Lasix (furosemide), Bumex (bumetanide), Midamor (amiloride), Inspra (eplerenone), and Triamterene.
- Alpha blockers: commonly prescribed to treat high blood pressure and benign prostatic hyperplasia, or BPH. A list of common alpha blockers includes Cardura (doxazosin), Terazosin, Uroxatral (alfuzosin), Minipress (prazosin), Flomax (tamsulosin) – a selective alpha blocker for BPH, and Rapaflo (silodosin) – a selective alpha blocker for BPH.
- Calcium channel blockers: commonly prescribed to treat high blood pressure. A list of common calcium channel blockers includes Norvasc (amlodipine); Plendil, Cardioplen, and others (felodipine); Procardia (nifedipine); Cardizem (diltiazem); and Calan SR (verapamil).
- Vasodilators: prescribed for high blood pressure and migraines, such as Catapres® (clonidine).
- Benzodiazepines: prescribed to treat anxiety and insomnia, such as Valium (diazepam) and Klonopin (clonazepam).
- Antidepressants: prescribed to treat depression and other conditions. A list of common antidepressants includes Lexapro (escitalopram), Zoloft (sertraline), Prozac (fluoxetine), Paxil (paroxetine), Effexor (venlafaxine), and tricyclic antidepressants such as amitriptyline and imipramine.
- Mood stabilizers: prescribed to treat bipolar disorder and manic episodes, such as lithium (Eskalith, Eskalith-CR, and Lithobid).
- Sodium glucose co-transporter 2 inhibitors: prescribed to treat type 2 diabetes, such as Invokana (canagliflozin), Farxiga (dapagliflozin), and Jardiance (empagliflozin).
Post-accident cleanup
There are several products that can be used to clean fabrics after an accident, including enzyme cleaners, pet stain removers, Oxyclean, and dilutions of vinegar and hydrogen peroxide. Here’s a handy guide on cleaning up urine from HowToCleanThings.com.
Incontinence and falls
Did you know that incontinence is one of the most common causes of falls in older adults? A person with incontinence may rush to the bathroom during a sudden urge to go, and in their rush, they can trip and fall. Make sure there is a clear path to the restroom and that the path is well-lit for nighttime visits. Wearing disposable incontinence garments can help protect your partner from potential falls as well as bathroom accidents.
About My Care Supplies
Backed by more than 65 years of experience in disposable medical supplies, My Care Supplies is an independently-owned company with a wide range of incontinence, ostomy, urological, nutrition, wound, and diabetes care supplies. Need assistance finding the right product? No matter what you are looking for, our experienced customer service team is here to help. Our goal is to provide you with low, competitive prices, superior customer service, and discreet door-to-door shipping – so that you can count on finding all the supplies you need for the best value, all from the comfort of home.
